Why The Sky Is Blue
by seaa
Summary: Finding yourself isn’t as easy as it sounds, so it’s always good when there’s a good friend around to rely on.


Title: Why The Sky Is Blue

Author: Seaa (seaa00@yahoo.co.nz)

Rating: PG

Pairing: 1+2, 3+4 implied

Genre: Heero POV, After EW

Archive: FF.net, as of now. I will be extremely flattered if you want it, just let me know.

Warnings: Nothing that I know of… Maybe OOC?

Disclaimer: I have never, nor will I ever, own Gundam Wing and all things contained within. I do, however, own this fic, which I have painstakingly typed out from scratch.

Summary: Finding yourself isn't as easy as it sounds, so it's always good when there's a good friend around to rely on.

Notes: Feedback is much appreciated and will earn you my never-ending gratitude. Much, much thanks goes out to Dark Tenchi for the great beta job.

***

_Someday we'll know   
If love can move a mountain   
Someday we'll know   
Why the sky is blue_

_Someday you'll know that I was the one for you_

_         ~Mandy Moore, Someday We'll Know_

It happened on that one times when Duo and I happened to meet up after the whole Mariemaia incident. Though perhaps 'happened' wasn't exactly the right word…

We'd both been offered jobs with the Preventers before, both by Wufei and Sally, and I didn't know why Duo refused the job. I'd heard he went over to L2, started up some sort of a salvage business with Hilde. I was happy for him, really I was.

I also refused the job offer. I didn't want to go straight into something so soon after the war ended and peace began. There was another reason, of course, but I kept that to myself, not wanting to sound foolish.

I wanted time to find myself.

Unfortunately, finding myself turned out to be harder than they say it is.

I moved around, earth, space, and still, I couldn't seem to find the thing that would make me feel… real.

Eventually, a note from Quatre caught up with me. I contacted him, and our conversation was… interesting, to say the least. He mentioned Duo once or twice, Trowa much more than that, and Wufei just a bit less.

He told me Duo thought of me… had asked how I was. Quatre wanted to make sure I was all right.

I didn't know what to say, then again I seldom do. Was I alright? I was living, yes, but even I didn't know if I was _alive_.

The conversation ended, and somehow during the course of it Quatre had managed to make me promise to contact him at least once a month. I disconnected the vid phone, and thought about Duo. Really thought about him.

In my endless quest to find myself, I'd left behind everything from before. Of course, that meant that I hadn't let myself think about the others too often.

Perhaps it was callous, but I'd given myself a mission, and I didn't let unnecessary things interfere with missions.

I never did.

But sometimes, unbidden, on several occasions, the thought of him would just sail into my head. Lying in bed at night, trying to get to sleep, or waiting in line for something, and out of nowhere, there he'd be. Always smiling, always laughing at something, always happy.

And after that, there'd be a slight pang inside of me – of what, I didn't know. I didn't particularly care for that pang, perhaps that was why I tried not to let myself think of him. I didn't question the pang, one would think that it came after thinking about anyone from the past.

It didn't, exactly, not when I thought about missions with Trowa, for example, or Wufei.

It was just Duo.

So, after talking with Quatre, I decided that maybe I wasn't feeling satisfied with life because, just maybe, the – whatever – I was searching for just wasn't there.

Of course, that simply gave me a dead end.

Heero Yuy doesn't give up easily, I had always completed my missions – if it was possible, of course, sometimes things escalated out of control – and I didn't see why that should change, even if the war was indeed over.

Then again, this time the mission wasn't in my Gundam, and there was no self-destruct button.

Not that that was a bad thing, per say, but still. What if it really wasn't possible? Was all there was to me a perfect soldier, a living, but not truly alive being?

I pondered over that for a while, and just as I was considering my next course of action, another message from Quatre caught me.

It wasn't expected; I had made my monthly check in just two weeks ago. Still, I called him again on the vid phone.

Trowa picked up. I wasn't terribly surprised; they were horribly transparent in their feelings, though it might not be obvious at first. It was always in the little things, one just had to learn how to read them.

Anyhow, Trowa picked up, and as soon as he saw it was me, he called Quatre over.

Turns out they were arranging – one couldn't help but wonder exactly how Quatre got Trowa to help – a "small get together". It was going to be "just the five of us", and "it'd be nice to see everyone again", and didn't I think so too?

Well, I didn't. I was just about to politely turn down the invitation, when out of nowhere: there he was again, smiling in my head. Duo.

Then it struck me. Duo knew who he was. He had to be the most alive person I knew, and while that wasn't saying much, since my contacts were few, it was certainly something.

So, before I had the chance to completely think it through, I asked Quatre, "Will Duo be there?"

He smiled, satisfied for some reason, and replied affirmative. I suppose I had to go, then, since I wasn't sure how else to get to Duo without seeming to come on too strongly. I let Quatre know about the first part of that thought, and quickly ended the conversation after finding out the details of the "get together".

Well, that was that, then. I'd find Duo, corner him, and just ask him what made him… feel alive. He wouldn't laugh, not at me, anyway. Duo wouldn't do that, especially not if he knew I was dead serious. And I was.

We had even come close to being something of friends, but at that time I hadn't really let go of the perfect soldier yet.

It was funny; everyone seemed to think of Duo as this joker, someone playing the fool and making jokes at the worst possible time, and yet really, inside, he was the most amazing person. One just had to get to know him.

It hit me, that thought, and I felt winded inside: he was the most amazing person. _Amazing_.

Maybe… maybe I missed him?

There were times when I'd wonder what would have happened if we'd stayed together, even after the war was actually truly over, and there was no more need to fight.

And suddenly it hit me, rather hard; that I might have found what I was searching for if I hadn't gone looking for it so far away.

What if I had stayed around for a while, found out what the others were doing, learning about the other possibilities? What if it had been there, but I just hadn't thought of it? What if the opportunity was over, and I hadn't known it was there? Was it then over? Was it all over, for nothing?

Would I never know how Duo felt, how others felt, when they were _alive_?

But no, there was my earlier chance. Duo. Duo would help. I was sure of that.

Eventually, the time came close to when Quatre had mentioned the gathering was on. I had everything packed, so I made my way to earth, to the place where he had said it would be.

I got there, prepared to knock, when the door swung open, and there he was, smiling at me.

Duo.

And suddenly, the strange pang flared up again, and I wasn't sure why.

He looked good; more… grown up, but I guessed that all of us would, it was logical, after all. There were some things that only time did. He had grown slightly taller, but so had I, and I held at least one good half-inch over him.

The smile hadn't gone though, it was exactly the same as it had been, and I realised that I had it imprinted in my mind. I hadn't done anything of the sort consciously, but after all the times he'd grinned at me, it wasn't anything extremely shocking, I suppose.

I nodded a short greeting, and he returned it, with a bit more gusto. A bit? Pardon, a lot. But that was Duo, and I really wouldn't have it any other way.

He hugged me, and I felt slightly breathless. It wasn't uncomfortable. In fact, a hug from Duo felt a lot more natural then, say, a moment when I had to shake a hand of someone. Before I could analyse that fact, he let go. I felt… slightly upset, strange enough. Like something inside had been found, briefly, and for a second I had something special, but then it was gone.

I looked back down at Duo's face, and he smiled, effortlessly. I liked this smile more than I liked the slightly overdone grins – but sometimes those were rather endearing, too.

I reached down to pick up my small suitcase from its resting place on the ground, and as soon as I had a semblance of a grasp on it, Duo placed his hand around my lower arm and pulled me in.

A little shock ran through me at the touch, but as soon as it was gone, I decided, that like Duo's hug, I didn't really dislike it.

He shouted to Quatre that I'd arrived, and that he would show me to my room. He was as friendly as ever, and for whatever reason, that reassured me.

As we walked along, he pointed out the bathroom, and then the room where he was staying in, and I noted both of them in the back of my mind. I felt vaguely happy when we stopped at a door just near to where Duo's room was. "Here," he pointed.

We entered a tidy room, and I placed my suitcase down, then ran my hands down my slacks without thinking. This would be the best time to ask Duo, I decided; better to grasp the opportunity while it was there.

I turned around to see him sitting on the side of the bed, smiling at me. He padded the area next to him, asking me to sit down.

"What's new?" he asked me.

I didn't know the appropriate answer to that question, so I murmured something unintelligible, ending with a 'Hn'.

"Same ol' Heero, huh." He laughed, and to my shock, I become conscious that I missed that sound.

Wanting suddenly to prove him wrong, show him that I had changed, I quickly, efficiently, started telling him what I had set out to do. I outlined what I had done, mentioned the places I had gone in all this time, and finally ended with my current situation. At end, I wondered why I had never heard of anyone else going through these things. Was it just me?

To his credit, he sat quietly through the whole thing, looking at me seriously, and waited until he was sure I had completely finished before he started talking.

"Heero," he said, and I couldn't help but feel that the way he said the name sounded like he was… savouring it. It wasn't even my real name, but it was nice, all the same.

"Heero," he said again, and placed a hand on my thigh, lightly, smiling up at me.

"Do you want to play a game?"

I allowed some measure of surprise to cross my face.

He didn't answer my unspoken question, just continued on. "Just answer my question, okay? One question."

I nodded, minutely, but I had no doubt that he would understand my consent. This was Duo, after all, who had made it his job to analyse each and every action, every 'Hn' I made.

Duo didn't fail me. He smiled, softly, and asked me, "Heero, why is the sky blue?"

I didn't understand, not really. A random assortment of answers trickled through my head, from proven facts to ridiculous statements, and I settled for the very first one, going through answering it scientifically.

Duo shook his head slowly. "No, Heero, this isn't about science, or studies, or anything of the sort. Why do _you_ think the sky is blue? Why do you _know_ the sky is blue? What do _you_ believe?"

It was a game, I realised, remembering his earlier question. That didn't mean I truly understood how to play it, or how he thought it would help me.

_'Trust him,'_ something said, '_he's Duo. Trust him.'_

So I stopped thinking, and opened my mouth, preparing for the first thing that wanted to come out to do so.

Quatre's shout for us to come down beat me to saying anything.

Duo shrugged, seeming to be more like himself again. "Later," he told me, and reached out to grab my arm again. "C'mon, let's go down."

***

We didn't get an opportunity to return up to the room I was staying in until after dinner. Dinner had been nice, and Duo had been predictable: joking, laughing, kidding around.

I had spent most of that time looking at him, and wondering what exactly had changed in all this time since we'd met.

I found myself taken with this urge to find out everything about him. Was he happy now? Where was he staying? Was he working? If so, then where? Did he… have anyone special in his life at the moment?

I really didn't like the thought of that. It wasn't right, that Duo should have someone like that. Oh, no, I wanted him to be happy, but… He had to have the best, someone who would love him forever, treasure each word that left his mouth, make him smile like there was no tomorrow. He had to have someone who would listen to him, and adore him, and never, ever, take him for granted.

I suppose, to me, there was no one in this whole, wide universe that was ever going to be good enough for Duo.

Lord, staring at him like that had brought that strange pang back, over and over again, to the point of aggravation.

But it never crossed my mind that it wasn't worth every second.

And then we were back in the room, sitting almost identical to how we had been before, and once again, Duo's hand returned to its place on my thigh.

"Heero?" His voice bore a hint of expectation, and though I wanted so much to be able to answer him… I couldn't.

"Duo?" There was nothing to say. I didn't know what to say, I truly didn't, and I was positive that anything I did say would sound incredibly stupid.

He exhaled a small breath of air.

"C'mon." He gripped my arm and pulled me backwards, till we were both lying side by side on the bed, staring at the plain white ceiling.

He said nothing, and I followed his example. I listened to his breathing, regular and steady. I schooled my own to copy his, until we were breathing in unison… It was almost like it was just one person lying there.

I don't know how long we lay like that. A great feeling of peace washed over me. It was almost ridiculous that something so simple could make me feel this contented, but it did, and I was. Here, beside Duo, I felt more joy than I had in the past year, staying by myself.

I dared to sneak a peek at Duo; he had closed his eyes, and was resting there, motionless. Nothing but the rise and fall of his chest separated him from the… the dead…

God. It was like a fist had closed around my throat, around my chest, around my heart. The very idea of life without Duo in the world hurt me, hurt terribly _inside_ me.

I choked down a swallow, the tranquillity I had had before now replaced with this terrible fear. It occurred to me how ridiculous I was being. It didn't make me feel any better.

His hand reached to touch mine, and he gripped onto my hand firmly.

I sighed; I couldn't help it.

He was so profoundly amazing.

"Why, Heero?" His voice was like a light breeze, brushing past me calmly. His thumb moved over my hand in circles.

"Because… because…" I hesitated, something I hated doing. I never liked starting something without an idea of how to finish it, that annoyed me. And again, silence reigned, and I looked away from the outline of Duo.

"It's late… we really should get to sleep." Duo sat up, making the bed shift. I got up too, and followed him to the door. I had to, sort of, because he was still holding on to my hand. Not that I couldn't pull away… It was more along the lines that I didn't want to. We stood there, in the archway of the door, and he turned around and smiled at me.

"See you tomorrow," he said, and his violet eyes darkened a shade. He gave my hand a light caress, and he left.

A strange mixture of awe and admiration struck me like a tidal wave. I realised exactly how much Duo must trust me, to show himself to me like that. I wasn't sure exactly what I did to make him see me any differently from the others, but I knew that no matter what, I'd never give him any reason to do otherwise.

Next time I saw him, I'd make sure that I did what my heart told me to. Even if I wasn't terribly sure that it was right.

***

I ambled down the stairs the next morning, making sure I didn't make too much noise – it was still rather early in the morning. I rounded a corner, and came face to face with a rather sleepy-looking Quatre.

"Oh, Heero!" he exclaimed. "Good morning."

I returned the greeting, and asked, casually, if Duo was up yet.

He looked curious, and beckoned to the door. "He just left," he told me. "Said he had something important to get back to."

Important? Something so important he had to leave without… saying goodbye?

I glared at the door, and almost missed Quatre's next words – "He just left, you can probably catch up with him…" I knew I hadn't imagined the hint of suggestiveness in his voice, but I ignored it. It wasn't any of my business what he, or anyone else, thought. I knew that Duo and I were just friends.

Friends. I hadn't had very many of those, and I wasn't about to let my… best… friend go. Without saying goodbye, that was.

I felt a slight sense of betrayal. I had thought he was going to help me figure things out. Feeling a little jealous, I again wondered what could be so important – more important than me, than us.

I vaguely noticed Quatre looking at me with an interested expression, but I didn't very much care. I wrinkled my forehead slightly. Was there even an us?

Did I mean anything at all to him?

My mouth went slightly dry. I didn't want anything to be more important to Duo than I was, selfish as that may have sounded. I wanted him to feel like I was all he would ever need. After all – there was nothing at all more important to me in the world – not money, not power, not even peace, than Duo. I was pretty sure I could make it through another thousand wars if only – if only I had Duo with me.

I'd give him power, I'd give him riches, I'd give him forever, if only I had them to give. I didn't – but I could give him me, instead. 

If he'd have me.

The sudden influx of information startled me, but at the same time, I finally felt like I understood, completely. And out of nowhere, I had the answer to Duo's question.

Quatre rested a hand on my arm. "Go," he urged strongly.

I felt one of my rare smiles flit across my face. "Thank you," I spared, before I dashed past him and ran for the door.

I could see his familiar outline some way up the road, braid moving behind him. I ran as fast as I could, the sight of him moving closer fuelling me onwards. He grew closer, and closer, and at last the distance between us was enough so I knew he could hear me.

"Duo!" He turned around sharply, braid swinging and hitting him in the chest.

"Heero?" He sounded surprised, and I would have felt slightly pleased that I had managed to surprise him, but I was already filled to the brim with trepidation of what I was about to say.

"I… I know," I said, my voice sounding breathless. "Duo?" I brought a hand up tentatively, to brush his cheek softly. 

"Duo," I repeated, stronger, now that he wasn't making any moves to pull away. "Duo, the sky is blue because someone knows that blue looks flattering to your eyes. It's blue because every time you smile, you fill me with peace, and there had to be some way to show that. It's blue because you're amazing, and whenever you're happy, the clouds go away, and leave behind a blue sky… and… And because blue, and red-" I brought my hand up to brush over his chest, where his heart would be, "Make violet." I looked into his violet eyes, trying desperately to get my point across. I was babbling, slightly, and when the stream of words ran dry I felt vaguely embarrassed and I began to turn away, but the hand resting against my chest prevented me from doing so. 

He smiled. "We don't need to know everything… but someday we'll know everything that we need to."

I nodded an affirmative, but felt the painful need to add: "I already know that I… love you." And it was true; I already knew I loved him, that I was desperately in love with him, and I supposed I could leave the rest unknown for now.

I saw him bite his lip, and I met his eyes as they looked searchingly up. "Heero," he breathed.

I was pretty sure my heart swelled a thousand times larger, and I barely noticed I was smiling broadly at him.

I leaned forward and brushed his lips lightly, and it was as nice as I'd never imagined it'd be.

And suddenly I was wrapped in a warm embrace, and Duo – Duo was holding me, and I was gripping him tightly, and I knew I wouldn't mind at all if he never let go.

It felt right this way.

***

And next time anyone asks if I'm all right, I'll be able to tell them that, yes, I was alive and well, that I was completely perfect, because I had found myself in Duo. Then I'll smile at him, and we'll laugh at how I'd never realised that the day Duo had tried to leave without saying goodbye, he hadn't brought any of his luggage with him.

+Fin+


End file.
